clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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