this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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