cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
