Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
We left an ass print on the piano.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize