3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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