Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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