The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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