just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
