i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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