my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
