How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
