Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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