She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
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