rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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