I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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