I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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