overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
