Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
