you guys were way drunker than both of me
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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