Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
