I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
