she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
