Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
