So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
