can u get pink eye on your cock?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I need to calm my uterus...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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