Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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