so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
