I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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