If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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