I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I currently don't understand fingers.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
