Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
