I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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