I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
