Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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