Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
