I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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