I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
