The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I didn't shave. On purpose
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
