you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
