My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
