I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You took a bar mat shot.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
