Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
