Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The Olympian is in my bed
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
