I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
