the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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