I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
