I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
