yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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