I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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