I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I am available for nakedness
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
