So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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