Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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