I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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