I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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