I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
