Small penises have feelings too.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
