you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
