My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
