Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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